If you have come to this page, you are probably wondering whether you have to come out to family and friends or not, and how to go about it if yes. It’s a very normal question. Our sexuality and gender identity are both very important components in our life, and if we are heterosexual and cisgender, we celebrate them in many ways. However, being queer means that the part that is celebrated usually is frowned upon. Sometimes it is the reason we get bullied, abused, and taunted. So there is no space for us to be loud about who we love, who we date, or how we perform our gender.

It might feel like you are suffocating “in the closet”. The closet is a term coined by LGBT activists in a specific western context, which means hiding your sexuality and/or gender identity from people in your life and keeping it a secret. Coming out of the closet, is letting them in on that secret, and becoming able to live “normally” to an extent without having to hide an important part of yourself.

When it comes to our region, things differ slightly. There are no laws to protect you from harm done upon you based on your sexuality and gender identity. There are no safety nets provided by the government in case you find yourself kicked out of your house. So, coming out means you are taking certain risks that do not stop at your family thinking you’re “abnormal”.

This is why we asked several of our members at The A Project to share with us their thoughts and experiences on coming out in the different families they come from.

Did you feel that coming out was necessary?

“I think coming out is overrated, but it still feels like a relief,” Khouloud, 24, wrote.

“I think we tricked ourselves watching white movies about coming out to a parent with all the happy endings. We grew up to believe that our identity will still miss some pieces if we don’t come out to our families. Wrong. Huge mistake,” Jamil, 29, shares with us.

“Coming out is definitely not a necessity. Everyone can live their life privately and authentically as they please and only share these personal details with people they want to share it with,” Alex, 24.

Most of our members felt like it wasn’t necessary, but it would eventually lead to some comfort, the promise of being true to yourself in front of other people. But it wasn’t necessarily something they would deem essential. Vall, 33, told us that “in an ideal world, the act of coming out would be an act of pride and liberation. This is not to say that coming out in our world doesn’t include that, but we cannot assume they’re the default. In the world we live in, it can also be an act of defiance and hope that the individual would not end up ostracized or killed.”

Why did you come out?

“One day when I was drunk, and where I was at the most depressed and feeling suicidal, I just blurted it out to my mom. I was listing all the reasons I felt I didn’t fit in the world, especially in Lebanon, and I said “I like women,” said Sahar, 31. Although her mom was religious and conservative, she took it with a stride. 

On the other hand, Val was pushed to come out due to hope. “I was hoping that I would be shown compassion and understanding for my gender identity. However, I was met with utmost hostility from my parents, even death threats.” Sahar and Val’s stories both reflect different reactions, and are driven from different places and feelings.

Hala, 26, told us a bit about why she did come out. “It was a one-time thing, during dinner with my dad, completely unplanned and a spur of the moment. Looking back I am still not sure what I was seeking in the moment. Maybe approval, on some level. And momentarily, I felt like I had it, when I assumed his silence to what I’ve said is his way of telling me “That’s fine, I am not mad, and you knew I wasn’t going to be but I don’t know what to say to that”. Hala’s thinking process reminds me of something very important, no matter how older we get, sometimes we still feel like we need the approval and validation of the people we love.

Wanting approval, hoping our family would hold our back, or wanting to share out of desperation and feeling alone, are all very valid reasons and feelings for wanting to come out. But the possibility of violent reactions we might get reminds us that there are few things we need to keep in mind and take into consideration before taking such a step.

What would you say to someone considering coming out?

Sahar says there doesn’t exist a one-size-fits-all coming out advice because there aren’t homogeneous situations. “We can’t always predict how people are going to react,” says Sahar.

“In my opinion if someone’s thinking about coming out, they should answer these questions: Am I going to be safe if I come out? Will the other person’s reaction affect me negatively and can I handle that? Do I want to do it in the first place or am I feeling pressured to do it?” asks Alex.

Similarly, Khouloud says “I would say do not come out before becoming financially and emotionally independent. If you depend on your parents for living or for validating your self worth, avoid it.” She has only taken the step after becoming financially independent at a young age, and despite coming out to her mother multiple times, she is still in denial. On that note, Hala says that she knew that coming out to her was not going to be the liberation that many western neoliberals see it as. “I only feel liberation when my mother no longer has to bear the brunt of not raising “decent” children, should word of my “gayness” ever reach her side of the family”. She continues, “There is no freedom from “the closet”, until we can all be free. Unconditionally free. Free from all the roles and expectations and stigmas. Free from the daily assaults of heternormative capitalist patriarchy”.

In the same spirit, Jamil asks “why is there so much pressure to come out before you can be part of the queer community and movement”.

The insight we got from our different members is very valuable. Many have struggled with the question, took action, and were met with disappointment. Some even predicted the reaction, and wondered what they were looking for by telling the truth about their sexuality and/or gender identity. 

The wish to come out comes from a wish to be held and told that those parts of yourself are loved and accepted. You might want to take the step, but make sure you have got a back up plan. Somewhere to live. Somewhere to be safe and feel protected. A chosen family that can give you the validation you need. And you will realize that things get a bit easier when you grow into an adult, when you’re financially independent or living separately. It becomes harder to silence you or make you feel unloved.