Being in a relationship with someone you like can be one of the most exciting and beautiful experiences. If you enjoy their company, and you have a good deal going on, a relationship can be empowering, supportive, and warm. Relationships are work though. You might end up compromising on certain things, or falling into routines and patterns eventually.

Power dynamics exist in any human relationship, whether it’s with a friend, a family member, a coworker, or a romantic or sexual partner. In a relationship, certain factors can make a power dynamic look clearer, such as race, age, class, gender, and other factors. There’s nothing inherently wrong with having a dynamic, as it is merely a representation of the world we live in and the structures of power and oppression we are exposed to. However, abusing this dynamic is the real problem, which is why it is important to make sure that no one is exploited or abused when these dynamics are not in one's favor.

Looking at how these dynamics are employed in a relationship helps us identify what might be "healthy" for us or not. And while what’s healthy for you might not be healthy for someone else, what’s unhealthy and worrisome is usually easier to identify, but not necessarily to the people involved in said relationship.

What do healthy relationships look like?

Again, we recognize not all healthy relationships look the same. But there are certain markers that make a relationship a source of happiness and comfort, which are also encouraged in order to foresee and deal with conflicts that come up:

• Checking in with your partner(s) about how they are feeling every once in a while, what questions they have, what concerns they carry, and if there’s anything they would like to address in the relationship. This can mitigate any tensions and make sure no resentment is being built up over time.
• Pushing each other to explore opportunities, whether it’s a training, a job, a scholarship, or simply a hobby, so you don’t feel like the relationship is holding either of you back from growth, but is instead allowing space for nurturing your interests. This, of course, does not mean we should expect our partners to always be striving towards certain goals or to be on the same level of ambition as us (depending on your priorities), and it also should not be pushed down on partners who are down, anxious, and depressed at the time. 
• Respect each others’ boundaries and need for space every now and then, and know that doing everything together is not the standard for a relationship. This is very important in giving you and your partner(s) good time to process thoughts, feelings, and events on your own. Setting time to spend apart helps you reset and understand yourself outside the relationship. It is also important to know that not all relationships look the same in regards of spending time and space. Some relationships thrive better when space is shared, whether it's an apartment, a bedroom, or a work space. Others make more sense in less cohabiting settings, like living in separate houses, or having different bedrooms. The idea that couples or partners need to cohabit is normalized for its financial and familial benefits sometimes, but it is not always the best arrangement.
• Communicate openly with your partner about how certain things make you feel, if you don’t agree on some things, or if you need something to be changed. Assuming the other person knows how you feel without communicating about it can be very harmful for the relationship. This is important on every level of the relationship, from sex and affection to every day behaviors. Communicating priorities is also important for seeing eye to eye in a relationship.

There’s so much more that goes into having a good, loving relationship. These are only suggested guiding principles, but the main theme is, what feels good and nurturing to you is probably right.

How do I know if my or a friend's relationship is unhealthy or abusive?

The figure below is a chart demonstration of some of the behaviors that can help us recognize patterns of abuse in partners, or what many call "red flags". The thing about red flags is that they are usually most clear to people outside of a relationship, like our friends, family members, or people in our circle of acquaintances. It is true that a lot of things that go on in a relationship are private between partners and not very apparent or known to the outside, but some patterns happen on the social level, and others we might communicate to our friends without realizing they are not okay.

While these patterns can be apparent to you, for example, in your friend's relationship, the reason your friend might not see them can vary. Abusive relationships are sustained through control on multiple levels, whether economic, political, social, psychological or emotional. Your friend might be exposed to psychological and emotional blackmail, gaslighting, and manipulation that make it harder for them to see things as clearly, or even think of other possibilities. Sharing a house, kids, or a lifestyle can also make it harder for some people to leave relationships they are dependent on for different forms of survival. Recognizing the patterns in the chart is only a first step. What follows is thinking of what works for you or your friend in terms of this relationship: leaving, separation, divorce, staying for a while until a plan is devised, going to couple's therapy...etc. Several resources exist that can help in making the choice. You can also contact our sexuality hotline (76680620) to work together in thinking of different options, or getting referal in case the person in question needs urgent help.

Are queer, gay, lesbian and non-heterosexual relationships less likely to have violence or be unhealthy?

There is a common misconception that violent or abusive relationships only exist between a man and a woman, and that this dynamic is needed in order for violence to exist. This may be due to the fact that the majority of examples we have of relationships are heterosexual, and the only representation we see of violence is almost always from men and on women. This can also be supported by some radical feminist ideas that emerged in the 70s and that located violence in masculinity, and as inherent to heterosexual relationships, and that suggested freedom from patriarchal violence can be sought through lesbianism. While these ideas provided more attention to domestic or intimate partner violence as an important issue, we know much more today to make the assumption that non-heterosexual relationships are exempt from violence.

Locating violence in masculinity or masculinizing hormones like testosterone completely erases people's responsibility and agency in taking violent action, and it medicalizes violence like an illness, removing it from its mostly social aspect. Violence and abuse are impacted by exploiting power dynamics, and while they are normalized as things men do, that is because in most cases, cis-men are at the top of the hierarchy of power. If these dynamics shifted for the benefit of someone other than a cis-man in a relationship, violence and abuse from their side becomes possible. The same happens in queer, gay, lesbian and other non-heterosexual relationships, in which, despite there being no typically sexual/gender difference such a cis-man and a cis-woman, power dynamics still exist and can be as easily exploited. In fact, in such relationships, three main reasons make it even harder to spot or report: 1) these relationships are already criminalized and demonized, so there is more benefit for the image of queerness in hiding that violence can still exist in these relationships in order to not further demonize it, 2) these are usually relationships that are not seen as legitimate or legally binding, which makes it harder for people to believe the person abused, or why they would remain in an abusive relationship, and 3) in the case of relationships between women, the normalization of violence as something that only men can do has made it hard to imagine that women can exert violence to other women. In fact, statistics tell us that violence among same-sex relationships as as much as, and sometimes even higher, than violence among heterosexual couples.

What does it mean to be non-monogamous?

It means when partners in a relationship agree on certain terms that shape their relationship differently than monogamous relationships. It’s a very wide and sometimes ambiguous term, and it is defined better and clearly according to the partners’ wishes, desires and boundaries.

If you are in a relationship and want to make it non-monogamous, the first step would be talking to your partner about it and communicating what you want out of this relationship. It could be an open relationship where the two of you see other people for romantic and/or sexual experiences. You two would be putting down the terms that make you feel comfortable and secure, and you might end up challenging some of the feelings or thoughts you had previous to the relationship or at the start of it. Just like a monogamous relationship, it requires work and open communication, otherwise, you might end up with misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and resentment. 

At the same time, many think that opening a relationship is a solution to conflicts and problems they have going on in said relationships. More often than not, that is not true. Conflicts and problems arise for different reasons, and do not have a one-size-fits-all solution. Pinning down the reasons for conflict and thinking of where they arise from and what is needed to remedy them is a priority. Unless the conflict is directly linked to monogamy (and both partners feel that way), opening a relationship will most probably add even more conflict.

A non-monogamous relationship can also be among more than two partners. It could be a polyamorous relationship among 3 or more different people. There might be primary partners, or no primary partners at all. All partners might be involved together, or involved with different partners. What’s important is that boundaries are defined, and wishes are always communicated.

In case one person wants an open relationship, and another does not, there needs to be a conversation around each others’ priorities and wants of the relationship, to see if there would be a compromise, change, or no change at all. Cheating on a person you’re involved with without their knowledge or realization doesn’t mean that your relationship is open. But also, the concept of cheating changes when a relationship is open by consent, as it becomes more related to going against any set terms and boundaries.

If you are thinking or wondering, if you’re scared or willing to try, or if you’re struggling with feelings of jealousy, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Those are all very common feelings and thoughts, communicating them and challenging them needs work too. You can have a chat with us on the hotline at 76680620, or look around at existing examples of other non-mongamous relationships or literature, to learn more about how different people deal with these thoughts and feelings. You will be surprised how different but similar our experiences are.