Having sex for the first time can a memorable experience, and before you do it, you might struggle with feeling anxious about it, and wanting the sex to go as smoothly as possible. However, it is good to remind yourself that it is very likely the other person(s) is also probably anxious as well, and you can support each other to make the experience as comfortable as possible.

Am I supposed to be experienced?

You might start to entertain some thoughts before you have sex, like “what if I am not good enough?”, “What if it is obvious I have no experience?”, and “What if I don’t know what to do?”.

Those are all very valid questions. Sex is always represented in media as being a smooth experience, where nothing awkward ever happens and everyone is on the same page. But this is not reality. If you haven’t had sex before, it is very likely that you know the basics. But it is also important that you don’t assume that sex with everyone is going to be the same. Some people sleep with multiple others, yet still don’t perform with “experience”. It is different with every person, and it helps if you ask the other person what they like, enjoy and don’t want.

Techniques and tricks are learned by practice, but there’s also amazing content out there that gives you tips and recommendations on how to improve your sexual experience. If you want to go down on someone, we recommend this guideline on eating pussy. If you want to understand what turns on a penis, here’s another one that can help you. 

And watch porn if you want! Even though you should take everything you watch in porn with a grain of salt, it is still helpful in terms of looking at different positions and play practices.

Whether you’re experienced or not, do not set certain expectations on sex. It can be awkward, messy and funny. As long as it’s consensual and there’s space to talk about what you and the other person(s) want, you will be alright.

Is penetrative sex for the first time supposed to hurt?

We get that question a lot. Believe it or not, in a culture that has practices such as collecting blood from the first night for a bride and groom, or testing virginity to prove someone’s honorable, the conversation around first time penetrative sex can be horror worthy.

If you have a vagina and you’re worried the first time you have penetrative sex will hurt, we understand where that’s coming from. But the truth is, there’s no one answer. The experience might hurt if you’re tense, or if the other person is aggressive. It might hurt if you’re not lubricated well, or turned on enough. It might hurt if it’s the first thing you do in sex, without any foreplay to get your body in the mood. And it simply might hurt because you’re stressed and anxious about it.

And it might not hurt at all. Good use of lube, fingering beforehand, good foreplay, and taking it slow will make the experience smoother. If you still feel tense, or it doesn’t work, it’s good to always know you can do it another time. You can also try with using different fingers or small lubricated toys before you insert a penis. There’s multiple options, but what matters is knowing you have the time and space to not rush or set expectations in stone.

If you feel pain every time you have penetrative sex, you might want to check with a physician.

What about bleeding?

Bleeding is also a worry that many people with vaginas have. The truth is, this also can go in different directions. Depending on the type of your hymen (if it exists), how the penetration takes place, and how tense your vaginal muscles are, you might bleed a little, you might bleed a lot, or you might not bleed at all. Not bleeding doesn’t automatically mean you don’t have a hymen, but might indicate that your hymen is of a type that’s more flexible and not very thick. And if you bleed a bit more, it’s nothing to worry about. And if you don’t bleed at all, you might bleed the second or third time, or not at all. For most people, it's a few droplets of blood and that’s it. In most cases, bleeding has little to do with hymens and everything to do with aggressive penetration that can hurt the blood vessels surrounding the vaginal muscles.

If you keep bleeding every time, you might want to check a gynecologist. 

I am scared I won’t last for long

If you have a penis, you’re likely to worry about lasting. One of the most defining qualities of masculinity in patriarchal culture is stamina and lasting in sex. Particularly due to the images we see in porn and other sexual representations, there’s so much pressure on men and people with penises to go on for hours on end with a boner. It’s very different in reality. Most porn stars use viagra, while most men during sex last for 5 minutes on average. Anxiety and pressure might make you cum faster. If you start with foreplay and do not limit the scope of sex to penetration, you’ll be able to make sure that pleasure is not directly link to how long you last.

All in all, you might remember your first penetrative experience as scary, awkward, funny, or really smooth. What matters is that it is not defining of your sexual life for the future, and it definitely does not define your person or honor.

If you want to discuss it with one of our counselors, reach out to our sexuality hotline at 76680620.